no motivation to speak to friends

i'm doing so bad. i can do normal things like shower and go to work but i'm ignoring everyone and moving through the world only speaking when i have to. i don't care about feeling alone or everyone worrying about me. i have no desire to speak to anyone and everyone's like hello do you hate me. no, you hate me. i feel so guarded and alone and my mental health is not good, but i'm afraid of getting institutionalized if i tell the truth, or not being helped, which is what's been happening. i feel like a fucking idiot and that i deserve to suffer. my brain is like let's see how long you can stretch this out and how many people in your life you can lose?