Anybody out there that can offer hope?

Early Past Medical History Bouts of depression in college I sought counseling, journaling, reading self-help books Continued with mix of rage and depression into early 20’s and motherhood. Eventually above symptoms were attributed to PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) In early 30’s started taking Effexor (venlafaxine. SNRI) - it worked until it didn’t. I titrated off. I cant remember the side effects but hormonal extremes returned. I met with a Psychiatrist sometime in 2003 who diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. He put me on Lexapro (escitalopram - SSRI). I did relatively well for 10 years and thought I would be able to work with a chiropractor nutritionist and wouldn’t need this any longer, so decided to self titrate off meds Fall 2012. Went off rather quickly, and then spent 6 months with agoraphobia, deconstructed psyche, suicidal…gutted it out. Spring of 2013, I was placed back on Lexipro (escitalopram - SSRI) as well as Wellbutrin (bupropion - NDRI) to counterbalance for energy. I had felt like I had a floor under my feet for the 11 years as far as functioning in life tasks, but I felt emotionally numb. Low Libido . I had a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning before 8:30 or 9am and I went to bed 9ish most nights. Took naps. Severe Sugar and carb cravings. Still struggled with road rage, some fixations I turned 60 No longer cycling, so I figured I no longer needed the medication Started a self titration off Lexapro (escitalopram - SSRI) over a 3 month period starting in January 2024.. My withdrawal symptoms initially were: chills, hot flashes, jittery, road rage, some OCD, occasional tears Losing weight as no desire to eat, flood of feelings, journaling resumed. Then my symptoms became: Anhedonia Breakthrough crying daily Anxiety Isolating Difficulty resting but want to sleep to get away from myself and life Irrational Fear Hopelessness Fragility of feelings and thoughts Nausea Lack of interest in food Face breakouts of rashes/ dry skin around nose and eyes Severe seasonal allergies (Have suffered from these for years) Lightheadedness Body temperature deregulation Very low threshold for stress Through genetic testing I found that I have Slow COMT and MTHFR polymorphism (impaired ability to metabolize Dopamine, Epinephrine and Norepinephrine) Therapies: I did 40 sessions of neurotherapy. Did not see any improvement in fact felt like conditions was worsening. Developed Akathisia, and was not sleeping. Was prescribed (by psych nurse practitioner) Mirtazapine (Remeron - tetracyclic antidepressant) to help with sleep, and Lorazepam (Ativan - Benzodiazepine) Then went to see Psychiatrist/Neurologist Added Lamotrigine (lamictal - anti leptic) Also wanted to trial low dose sublingual Ketamine (ketalar - dissociative anesthetic), which I did not tolerate. Trying to taper mirtazapine (1.8mg currently) then will try to taper lorazepam/lamotrigine. It’s now September 2026, and I am still suffering daily with Akathisia, OCD, Clinical depression and panic disorder and HIGH suicidal ideation. Can’t go out, can hear people’s telling what’s going on with them (traveling, parties, etc), have lost many friends, can’t read a book, watch TV, be a mother/grandmother. I am homebound, and fighting to stay alive. So, my questions are: Is there anyone out there with the same genetic vulnerabilities that is experiencing similar symptoms? Is there any hope of my ever getting better? Are there any suggestions regarding therapies that I am missing?