Stuck Between Side Effects and Withdrawal — My Full Journey on Venlafaxine (262.5 mg) and My Tapering Dilemma

Hi everyone, I'm sharing my full story here because I'm hoping someone can relate and maybe offer some guidance. It's a long one, but every part of it led to where I am now. How It All Began (June 2023) My journey started in June 2023. I was struggling with anxiety and OCD, and I began with just two minimal-level medications. They didn't change anything. After 20+ days of no improvement, I realized there was little to no psychiatric support in my area — so I made the decision to travel far from home just to get proper help. When Getting Help Made Things Worse Instead of getting better, things got worse. The first one or two doctors I saw kept escalating my treatment — I went from taking 5–6 medications a day to as many as 14 in a single day. Whenever I told the doctor I was feeling worse, the response was simply to increase the dose. I was completely unaware of what these medications were doing to me. I couldn't educate myself either — I was in the midst of terror. The suffering had spread through every part of my body and brain. There's a moment I still remember clearly: walking into the hospital with my hands shivering and trembling, and when I tried to sign the page, my hand simply wasn't in control. I couldn't make the signature. That moment alone shows how terrible the suffering was. The Cold Turkey Disaster The third doctor gave me a moderate course of medications, and I was on them for over a month — they caused suffering too. Then a relative suggested I come stay with them in another area, where I would get homeopathy treatment. I had no idea how dangerous it is to stop antidepressants suddenly — so I stopped cold turkey. What followed were some of the darkest days of my life. I was suicidal for almost 12+ days. I will never forget those days for as long as I live — honestly, they still play in my head right now. And through all of it, the people around me thought that keeping me busy with work would distract me — that I would perform like before, since I was always a high performer. But I was in acute cold-turkey withdrawal. It was a tremendous, life-threatening moment of my life, no matter how much I pushed myself to function on the surface. The Past Year and a Half Eventually, I restarted the third doctor's medications, and they made me slightly functional — and that's what I'm still on today. But this past 1.5 years on the medication has been its own kind of suffering. The problem I was trying to treat (anxiety and OCD) stayed on the sidelines, while the side effects took the lead: drowsiness, itchiness, debilitating dreams, and much more. The important realization is that the underlying anxiety and OCD are actually manageable — I can work on them with exposures and other tools. What was truly holding back my recovery was the medication itself. It even intensified my anxiety. Every time I tried my best to recover, I would reach a certain point, and in the middle the side effects would take over the show — and I wouldn't even know it at first, because there seemed to be no awareness about any of this. When I was dealing with anxiety and OCD alone, I was never suffering like this. This suffering was created by countless side effects, again and again. Somehow I found out that it wasn't really me — it was the antidepressants all along. Knowing this helped me a lot, because I had been totally in the dark about what was happening to me. The Recent Taper Attempt Recently, I tried to start tapering. One important clarification: the suicidal thoughts and flu-like symptoms appeared when I reduced the dose — they are withdrawal reactions, not something I suffered constantly throughout the past year. Here is my current dosage — 262.5 mg of Venlafaxine total: 75 mg (half of a 150 mg tablet) in the morning 150 mg (one full tablet) at night 37.5 mg (one full tablet) at night My doctor's approach was to cut the 37.5 mg tablet in half — an 18.75 mg reduction. Almost immediately, severe withdrawal symptoms appeared: suicidal thoughts, intense flu-like symptoms, and much more. It was bad enough that I had to go back to the full dose. It has now been about 15 days since I returned to the full 37.5 mg, but I still get withdrawal-like symptoms on and off — the flu-like symptoms and suicidal thoughts still flare up at times, even without any further reduction. The Dilemma I'm Facing Staying on the medication = tremendous suffering from side effects Withdrawing from the medication = tremendous suffering from withdrawal symptoms Both paths feel unbearable right now. What is the solution here? What I'm Asking the Community Has anyone tapered successfully from a similar Venlafaxine dose? What approach did you use? How do you manage the withdrawal waves — the flu-like symptoms and the suicidal spikes? What made the process more bearable for you? How did you work with your doctor toward a slower, gentler taper (percentage reductions, liquid titration, bead counting)? I'm sharing this in hopes that it helps my tapering journey — and maybe helps someone else who recognizes themselves in this story. Wishing the very best for everyone here. Thank you for reading.