Intense withdrawal symptoms after 4 months

Hi all, I’m glad I found this forum as I can see I’m not alone in going through this. My problems all started from a can of redbull… I wfh and go into the office once a fortnight. On the nights before, because I have to get up a bit earlier I sometimes struggled to get to sleep. This became a habit and started taking valerian root, lavender etc but it didn’t work. I guess I wasn’t too fussed as it was only one night and I slept fine the other nights. One day back in April 25 I decided to drink a can of red bull on the way back from work, 2 hour drive at 5pm. That night I didn’t sleep, so it was basically 2 night in a row. Then the fear took over thinking what if I don’t sleep again, and it happened for a further 3 nights. By this time I was in full panic mode and spoke to the doctor and he gave me something, but didn’t work that night , then the next night I had zopiclone. This worked for a few days but I got scared that I won’t sleep once the prescription ran out. At this point I should have done cbti, but I went back to the doctor, really upset and depressed that I can’t sleep. He gave me a prescription for Mirtazapine. He said it will help you sleep and help with depression. I started taking it and yes, it helped with sleep, I was very sedated by 10:30 most nights and could sleep. I got back into a regular routine. It also made me eat everything and I felt a bit different emotionally. I was about 4 weeks into it and had my first experience of a form of OCD. I didn’t know it was that at the time, but I had started to ruminate on a horrible Image that entered my mind. I tried to manage it. The months went on and sleep was more regular. I had put on a bit of weight, and I wasn’t happy because the OCD was annoying me, but I still didn’t realise what it was. By October I was training for a half marathon, I had read David Goggins book and was motivated as hell to run , to lose weight and to get off the Mirtazapine. I didn’t like the fact that I had to take it, being dependent on it made me feel like it was a weakness. One day mid October, I started taking a half dose of 7.5mg. First 2 days fine, 3rd day well:, extreme anxiety, nausea, hyper awareness and insomnia. I went back up to 15mg and realised the situation I was in. I then researched and learnt about tapering. I made a plan to taper to 7.5mg, and I made to 7.5 by December 25 and held there for about a month. It felt a good dose, and I was sleeping well still. I read that the drug gets harder to come off the lower you go so I tapered from 7.5mg dropping 10% of it every 2 weeks. After 18 weeks I was down to 0.75 and felt not to bad. I had some anxiety, insomnia and nausea in the middle of the drops but it wasn’t too bad and I had stabilised by the time I got to the next reduction. I always said if the symptoms were still there at the next drop I would hold until I levelled out. The last 2 weeks in early July I took 5% .375mg and I felt ok ish. Minor symptoms but nothing I couldn’t handle. All was fine through July, had a great holiday in early August and emotionally was great. I had no symptoms, but a bit of insomnia but now I had chalked that up to getting older, the British summertime and hormonal changes. Sept 26 wasn’t too bad but started to get more anxious but nothing I couldn’t handle, just work stress. October 26 did half marathon again felt great , but then it started to fall apart. I had my first major wave and it was pretty intense, completely random anxiety, same feeling to when I dropped to 7.5mg; insomnia kicked back in hard, nausea and the feeling like my nervous system was on fire, all the rumination came back with me trying to figure out why this is happening, and decided to speak to an OCD specialist. I had sort of forgotten that this could be withdrawal and focussed on mental health issues as the main reason. Late October I was off work for half term and was OK for the first part of it. I then did some research into OCD and made it worse after learning about different types and the anxiety rocketed and hoped that I didn’t get that and then suddenly I did. Panicked more and now I have some somatic OCD symptoms I didn’t have before. I’m now scared of developing further symptoms. Since early October it seems every minor stressor gets blow out of proportion and get massive adrenaline and cortisol surges at every little thing. I realise now that this is a protracted withdrawal, and the anxiety had been magnified by it. I’ve not slept well over the last week and last night it was so bad I felt like I was on fire so I took a zopiclone. All my meditations, body scans and love and kindness sessions have helped me, but the sensations are so intense. Currently sat in a wave and have to keep telling myself that this is a chemistry issue and it will get better, but it’s hard to keep my mind I that place. I have started weekly sessions with an OCD specialist. Part of the treatment is to expose yourself to your fears and I know if I do this it will be so intense in these waves. Last night I was seriously considering reinstating to a small amount. I still have tablets and could make a 0.1 solution to see if that helps. At the same time my last dose was about 18 weeks ago and I was hoping I was over the worse of it. I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday but I feel my doctor will be useless and will give me a leaflet or offer to put me on a SSRI or something. Anyway I feel a bit calmer this morning, and will try to do as little as possible in this wave. I really don’t want to reinstate but if these symptoms stay I’m starting to think this my only option as I can’t live feeling this all the time. Thanks for reading my story, I will take a look through the forums to see how others are managing this situation