Hi, I'm Lost summer

I have bee reading all the stuff on surviving antidepressants , and it has got me through each day. I am at the end of the line, and was happy to see another group pop up. I have given up... 4 years is too long, and every second of the day is torture... I will be 50 year old mum of 4 this year. My story is so complicated and ridiculous I am not sure anyone can help me. I have a degree and can't help myself. The thought of seeing another doctor puts me into a panic attack. Over the last 4 years I have nearly lost my life, and i am mostly hopeless and suicidal. I have a supportive husband and adult children. I was successful, happy, loved life. Now I am a broken shell of a human who prays the morning doesn't come, so I have to survive another day. Not many people get off paroxetine. I did...I nearly died from serotonin syndrome twice this year, and stopped paroxetine for 2weeks cold turkey from 10mg. Only one week of withdrawals. Brain zaps, vertigo, nausea, could not move. But it went...And the next 3 weeks were absolute bliss. I was back to the normal me when 24, before paroxetine. It was everything! sex drive, excitement, joy, music, celebrate. I was also diagnosed with ADHD and put on stimulants. Great! I never had a mental illness. I burnt my box of paroxetine. I was better...Nope! Protracted withdrawal hit me and I could barley drive to the pharmacy to get my script. 3 days of 5mg and i felt better. So I stopped again, having about 2 mg here and there through the week "just to keep a bit in my body". Obviously I know better now. My dr never said anything to me when I told him I could turkeyed off 10mg. My husband and I did not know what to do. I wanted to die, We reinstate at 10mg for 3days but it was making me ill. Then I cut down to 5mg for 5 days, still sick. All day anxiety. Now I am holding on 2.5mg. Yes, I know no more jumping around. Now for the complicated bit. I was an inpatient 3 years ago and put on Mirtazipine. We dropped my paroxetine to 10 at that time, and I made a complete recovery. It was so nice waking up without anxiety, making plans, loving life. It only lasted 3 weeks. The plan was to up my Mirtazipine to 45mg and drop paroxetine to 5mg. This resulted in serotonin syndrome. I dropped back to 30mg. Then my psych wanted to try venlafexine and stop paroxetine. big mistake! I had bad akasthasia and wanted to put my head through a wall. Then I tried buspirone, which worked for a week. Problem was I was in protracted withdrawal from paroxetine all this time. I had to start it again, and went back up to 20mg. Three years of hell... I tried 39 sessions of TMS, two lots of Ketamine infusions and had my breast implants removed to get well. To complicate things worse, I ama chronic pain sufferer and was put on Tapentadol. I have spent the last few years completely unable to function. I have lost my vibrant life. After the bouts of serotonin syndrome we knew it was high serotonin all this time causing my agitation. I tried HRT, naturopaths', HRT, acupuncture, hypnosis, EMDR. I spent hours every day googling what is wrong with me. I saw heaps of specialists, hundreds of blood tests, lost 15kg. I was anxious every second of the day. I wanted to die. So I went to another inpatient hospital where they tried me on another antidepressant that nearly ended my life. I fitted on the floor for 5 hours from serotonin syndrome. And....now I have hit a wall. I can take too much medication because I constantly get high serotonin. I never felt better in my life when I was off Paroxetine. No amount of valium does anything to help. I have had to drop my dexamfetamine to 1/2 a tablet a day because it is too stimulating. My brain has had the living hell kindled out of it by idiot drs. There is nothing left, nowhere to turn. My poor husband...I cry all day, my internal agitation and doom is making me suicidal. It's scary when you know you can't go to hospital. They will only drug me. The symptoms of too much serotonin are so similar to withdrawal. I have to take cyproheptadine to make sure it doesn't get too high. What I am doing.... Holding at 2,5mg paroxetine Increasing Mirtazipine back to 30mg (using the get rid of accelerator first theory). Mirtazipine is a help to me. Weaning valium to 1.25 after 2 weeks of 2.5 cutting dexamfetamine from 10mg to 2.5mg. I have been self medicating too much with alcohol just to live through the day and I know how bad that is. I am slowly getting that down too. I am not stopping anything cold turkey. On top of that I am trying to get rid of a 250mg tapentadol addiction. It's a lot... I know only taper one at a time. I have ditched coffee eat protein and force myself to eat. Ditched all vitamins except magnesium If something doesn't change soon, I will have no option but to lock myself up and just accept whatever medication they give me. I don't know what else to try, and I don't want my kids to loose their mum. I just wish there was something I could take to calm me down. I can't rest, constantly need to move, but at the same time I am petrified to even leave my house.