Hi, I'm Lara

Hello everyone! I’m currently tapering Clonazepam. Clonazepam was prescribed only for muscle spasms (mainly pelvic floor), never for mental health. I became highly tolerant and paradoxical. The drug started acting as a powerful muscle relaxant and began destroying my muscle tone even before I started tapering — that progressive destruction was actually the main reason I began the taper in the first place. Now I feel like I have no muscle substance left at all — just hollow jelly/mush, super numb, like pure rubber, they don’t even feel like flesh anymore. My severe systemic muscle spasms, spasticity (dystonic like)  began after documented physical injuries: head injury in 2018, adductor injury in 2019, and a significant obturator internus strain during aggressive PT in 2022. Later on these led to hypertonic pelvic floor dysfunction and spreading spasms which as the time progressed made be mostly wheelchair at first, then bed bound with the exception of PT almost every day. Benzos were prescribed solely for the neuromuscular spasms as I’ve mentioned previously (primarily pelvic floor), never for a primary mental health condition. I was on Valium 5mg starting in February 2023,  which I used sporadically as needed for the spasms, stopped it cold turkey while in the hospital in August 2024 (after I overdosed with alcohol ), and later experienced protracted withdrawal that I didn’t fully understand at the time. Later on every time I tried to take it for the spasm, although in a much lesser dose, 1mg, i would have a bad reaction, it would immediately contribute to the loss of muscles tone, visceral anesthesia, in pelvic area especially, spasms increase. As well every muscles relaxants I’ve tied since I had the same issues. I reinstated with Xanax 0.25 short acting back in December 2025 for the sever pelvic floor spasms, which was taking 4 a day instead of 2 when it was wearing out and the spasms were returning with the vengeance, then after few weeks crossed to 2 mg ER. It initially helped for a few weeks, gave window of relief at least for 8-10 hours, but then this window got shorter and shorter, till it stopped working at all, caused rapid muscle tone loss and increased muscles spasms, later in turned into systemic Dystonic TD. I switched to Clonazepam 1mg in March 2026 while tapering Xanax, which led to further damage and BIND. All these time Clonazepam gave zero relief. I have become highly paradoxical and kindled. The drug is acting as a powerful muscle relaxant that has completely destroyed my remaining muscle tone and substance. As per today I have no muscles left, it’s tone  — just a hollow jelly/mush feeling with constant agonizing tendon and fiber contractions ripping and slicing through raw meat, especially in the pelvic floor, glutes, hamstrings, and adductors, super numb, like pure rubber, they don’t even feel like flesh anymore. This causes severe muscle and joint pain. Every day on it prolongs the poisoning of my severely sensitized nervous system. Slow home tapering is unsustainable and is further destroying what little remains. Recent small dose fluctuations and an 8% cut (from 0.45mg to 0.41 mg equivalent) I’ve done month and a half ago have made everything dramatically worse. I’ve been at that dose for two weeks and the symptoms (complete tone loss, visceral anesthesia, ripping spasms) became unbearable and got so much worse like never before at that time. After that 8% cut for the past month I’ve been doing small 2% Clonazepam dose reductions every week since that 8% cut failure I’ve done last month which caused sever acute withdrawal. Today is the 7th day I’m on 0.37mg dose after 1% cut, felling horrific, the symptoms I’ve described above became so much worse, complete loss of muscles tone increased muscles spasms since nothing left to resist them. They wake me multiple times nightly and leave me in constant agony. I live with severe burning and sharp ice-pick pain. Only a few weeks ago I was still able to do some physical therapy. Now that is completely impossible. I am confined to bed, tossing in agony day and night. The dystonic spasms wake me every hour; sleep has become almost impossible. It genuinely feels as though I am approaching a point of no return. I am also taking Tramadol 50 mg twice a day for the horrific pain — I’m not sure if the SNRI component is adding to the nightmare. I am terrified of permanent damage and honestly don’t know how much more I can endure. Since reinstating benzos I became completely bedridden due to the total muscles destruction it caused. I don’t know if i should hold longer or continue the taper, if what i feel is lingering withdrawal symptoms or the side effects of a drug my body can't tolerate anymore... or a mix of both... or something else entirely? I’m in pure agony and desperate for advice from anyone who has been through severe muscle destruction on benzos.