Hi, I'm Jules

Hello, What brought me here? Honesty. A physician speaking honestly about a topic that no other does. So I will be. From a very young age I felt very different. I used to say I was born depressed. I may have been given the circumstances of my parents when I was conceived. But I first began with self help books at age 12, at 16 I knew I couldn’t drink right. At 18 the self help books began contradicting eachother. I felt insane. After my 2nd child i had postpartum depression and I was prescribed Prozac and for the first time in my life I understood why people might enjoy life. Although I still self medicated using stimulants. I feeling so great thought I’d stop taking the Prozac. This of course threw me into a depression 10X darker than I’d ever had prior. I Immediately began taking it again. Years later I stopped stimulants and began drinking and as my marriage crumbled with 4 children between us and emotional abuse and physical abuse on my son we split. It was as if my brain wanted me dead. I was convinced there was more wrong with me and needed more medication and diagnosis And I committed myself to a dual diagnosis hospital. I was diagnosed as a rapid cycling bipolar w suicidal ideation. But checked myself out and attended out patient drug treatment. My psychiatrist prescribed me many medications taking me off Prozac but on 4 or 5 other psychiatric medications. The ideation stopped when I quit drinking. We filed for divorce a year later and I lost all medical coverage.. i asked my doctor what I was to do and she just stared at me. I then paid a private practice psychiatrist who put me on samples she had to get me off the medications I recall Kaiser received $1500 a month from my insurance for the medication I was prescribed. I began self medicating.and drinking and the demon was back wanting me dead. I then went to a university psychiatrist and he undiagnosed me bipolar and put me on a higher dose of Prozac I improved quit drinking and later tapered sporadically off I was dealing with issues from failed root canals but recall for a year a deep bone aching but with infection who knows. I still self medicate today. I dream of a medical assisted treatment to get me off the stimulants but a stronger healthier population doesn’t fit into my countries plans.