Going back to my prescriber on Friday

I had a rough 2026. I went to therapy for the first time in a long time Jan 2026 and opened up about somethings that were bothering me from a burnout in 2024. I had about 4 sessions and was feeling like I was making progress, but all of those old wounds were opening up. In Feb 2026 I had a health scare, and my doctor told me I needed to get a colonoscopy to rule out colon cancer. There were some issues with insurance, and I had to wait from Feb to April to get the colonoscopy and during the wait, I became so hyper vigilant that my nervous system became dysregulated, and I began to ruminate on aspects of the 2024 burnout, and I distorted it and developed what appeared to be real event OCD. I finally got the colonoscopy and it was clear, but I was still in bad place mentally. I was scared to try medication, as I had tried Wellbutrin and Buspar in the past and was not able to make it through the first 2 weeks. I am in my mid 40's and stumbled upon TRT and everything pointed to this being the miracle cure for middle aged men. I went to the local TRT clinic, and my levels were on the lower end of normal, but my free testosterone was actually on the higher end, but the provider at the TRT clinic assured me that I would benefit from the treatments. I went through 6 weeks of injections and after each injection I would have 3 days of heightened anxiety and terrible morning dread. I had my levels checked at week 5 and the total was higher, but the free testosterone, the part available to use was down by half. I told the TRT clinic that I wasn't feeling better and asked how to stop, and they just said that I could simply stop. I stopped June 10th. I went to my primary care that week and I told the NP that my nephew said Lexapro helped his overthinking and she agreed to give it to me and I asked her if she thought that my mood was because I had recently stopped TRT cold turkey and she said no. On June 19, 2026 I took 5mg of Lexapro and for the first 2 weeks, I would wake up and take the tablet and then go find somewhere to sleep for another 6 hours. Week 3 I was hopeful that it may be working, but weeks 4-5 I all of a sudden became completely emotionally numb and everything was bleak and something inside me told me that I needed to get off this medication. I reached out to the doctor's office via their messaging app. I was told to cut the 5mg tablet in half and take 2.5mg for 2 weeks and then every other day for 2 weeks and stop. I started taking the 2.5mg dose and I had a routine follow up with my primary doctor and I told him that the NP told me to take 2.5mg every other day and he told me not to do that and just stay at 2.5mg for a month and then reach back out. By this time, I had already began researching tapering and I requested the liquid version to continue the taper, and they prescribed me a bottle of the liquid, but there were no more instructions on how to taper, so I just started reducing the dose arbitrarily, I went to 1.5mg for a few weeks and felt fine, then I went to 1mg and couldn't tell the difference, so instead of waiting weeks, I went to 0.75mg after 8-9 days at 1mg and then I had a wave of the rumination that I was having while I was waiting for the colonoscopy earlier in the year. I held at 0.75mg for 9 days, but the mental looping would not let up, it was like my amygdala was alarming like it was when I was fearing the worst. I went back up to 1mg for 24 days and I sought out EMDR therapy and targeted the ruminating and fear and I was able to get through the desensitization phase, but I am stalling in the installation of the positive belief that "I am safe now" because I am still hyper vigilant from tapering and I am afraid of having another experience of dropping too quickly and because of this fear, I self-monitor every sensation closely after every dose change. I went to 0.9mg for 2 weeks and felt the same as I did at 1mg, so 3 days ago I went to 0.8mg. I have reached out to Outro, but I already know their program, just drop your dose by 5-10% of your previous dose and hold it for a minimum of 4 weeks and pay them $225 a month and it would take 16 months to get off of 1mg at that rate and cost $3,600. Being that I was only on 5mg for 5 weeks and have tapered down over the last 3 months to 0.8mg, I am in a different situation that most people who seek these services as they have been on the medication for years and years at higher doses. However, I read about a person who took 5mg for a month and stopped and 17 months later they are still having PAWS. So, I am trapped by fear at this point. I sent my doctor's office the gradual steps I have taken and asked them for guidance. The reply I got today was that this isn't typical of a patient weaning off Lexapro and they want me to come in for an appointment this Friday. I am concerned that they will tell me to just stop completely and then I will go from 0.8mg (SERT of 30-40%) to zero and have an even more intense experience than I did when I went from 1mg to 0.75mg. Am I overthinking this? With the short duration of using Lexapro and the 90 days of tapering so far, do you think I will be fine if my doctor tells me to stop?