A Thread for Bigger Questions

I started citalopram at least 15 years ago now, after a nervous breakdown in my early 20s. A few months after starting it, I had the suspicion it wasn't doing anything for me, but I was too worried about having another breakdown to go off it. And thus started my journey of unsuccessfully trying to get off this medication countless times for the next dozen years. I'm concerned about what it may be doing to my health long-term (e.g. I'm experiencing joint issues and have early-onset cataracts). Quite simply, I've never been a fully mature adult without this drug affecting my brain (and body). I suspect I won't be a hell of a lot different, but I can't know for sure. I'm thinking I'll be me but better 😂 I'll be real, if nothing else. Completely me. The sovereign of my own mind.

"And thus started my journey of unsuccessfully trying to get off this medication countless times for the next dozen years." — @AJ

Hi AJ, I'm just now seeing your post. With the knowledge and support you receive here, I believe you can finally be successful in tapering off. We'll be here to help you in any way we can!

Yes! So grateful for a finding meaning space. Finding meaning is the most important thing to me. Unfortunately, these drugs stole 25 years of my life and I have had legitimate suffering. We all have. Many wise, loving people before me have endured suffering and have written about the gems hidden in the darkness. I cling to Jewish, Christian, and 12 step spirituality. And the poems of Rumi!! LOL So I hope to share what I've learned and continue to live on a level where I don't' have to have life my way in order to enjoy it. Thanks again for the space.

@AJ thanks for sharing your story and your thoughts. I was older when I was practically forced on the drugs by a psychologist who thought medication would help me "process" trauma. It did the exact opposite. I did have trauma, but managed it with therapy, exercise, nutrition, etc. When I got married, I sold my house, moved into my husband's house on the other side of town, quit my job, pretty much changed my entire life. Then my grandmother, whom I had been very close to, died. The other grandmother suddenly needed my care because my mother refused to help her. And my mother and law and best friend betrayed me. (Long story, but lots of dysfunctional relationships in my early marriage.) Anyway, all that change just did me in. Stress. Life converging in very difficult ways and very little support to get through it. The meds made me sick right away, but doctors always said it was just "me". I needed them and that was that. I didn't have Dr. Horowitz telling me "if you get symptoms you never had before, its not you, its the meds." Anyway, I have spent the summer 12 stepping my resentment against the medical profession. Personally, it has done me nothing but harm, and societally, a lot is coming to light that leads me to believe I am not alone. But like I said before, resentment doesn't heal anyone. So I feel ready to let go of resentment and be good to myself and others. I no longer deal with aliopathic doctors and that has helped me tremendously. I feel I have medical trauma to boot. All the forms and privacy this and hipaa that and check with your insurance red tape is just not worth it to me. So yes, the experience has changed me. I'm less trusting of doctors. I'm more sympathetic to addicts of all kinds. In fact I'm going to an open N.A. meeting tonight to see if their experience might be a comfort. Thanks everyone!