3rd Celexa Update - Feeling Poor

Feeling poor. Been having bouts of anxiety, depression, crying spells, fatigue, and insomnia. I still haven't truly realised how different I feel when I'm in a wave compared to a window. It's almost like being a different person. So when I'm in a window, I make really stupid choices like trying to nudge my dose down a little so that when I hold, it's a nice number like 3.2mg. So I went down to 3.24mg and a few days later regretted it. I went back to 3.26mg but a week or so after that, my mental state got worse. Last weekend and the week or so preceding it were hell. I dragged myself through the panic and torment and sleepless nights of terror through some kind of sheer willpower that came from God knows where. I can't believe it was only a week ago. It has been a gradual, bumpy upwards trajectory. I'm exhausted, depleted, so tired of fighting the dark thoughts and old pain. The anxiety is fairly predictable now -- morning cortisol from 5am or so. Afternoon to early evening anxiety from about 4pm to 6pm or 7pm. Through these times I'm telling myself over and over that it's my nervous system, it's not "real", my anxiety is dredging things up and making everything seem dark and hopeless. It will pass. It always does, every day. I've decided this time not just to hold but to stop tapering for the foreseeable future. A year, two years, I don't know. But I need to rest, heal, be here for my family.